Don't Do This

Whatever your thoughts on Halloween, don't do this!

Past Thoughts on Halloween

Tomorrow is Halloween- so I thought I'd share my past thoughts on this here and here.

And if you're in SF, we're handing out full-size candy bars at the Stroh house.

The Problem with Halloween

It's not what you think (that post comes tomorrow!) but good thoughts nonetheless

Why Do Teachers Quit?

Interesting article here.

What can you do to help the teachers you know stay in the ring?

Seth Godin on Anger

Some really good stuff here

So Blessed

October is Pastor Appreciation Month and I am quite confident no one does it better than my friends at Hillcrest!

Seriously, this month I've been blessed with

• encouraging notes and cards each day of the month
• a meal each week from a different Hillcrest family
• several gift cards to different places 
• recognition and prayer not just for me but also for my wife and our kids

I have the incredible opportunity to work alongside such a caring, giving, and compassionate church!  When you visit with other pastors and hear their stories, I am reminded even more of how blessed I am.  I don't ever want to take that for granted.

Thank you!!!

Your Best Work or Doing What Needs to Be Done?

One day in graduate school, I completely forgot about 5 page paper due that day in class.  So, I skipped chapel (actually, more correctly, I skipped shooting pool with my other chapel-skipping buddies, but that's for a different post!), ran home, whipped out a 5 page paper, and completed the assignment on time.  However that paper was definitely not my best work.
There are times in life when you do what you need to do in order to survive and advance.

We each need grace that every assignment, every paper, every presentation, every call, or every meeting isn't going to be our best.  If every thing we did was our best, then we'd need a different definition of "best".

Do that too often, though, and pretty soon you've accepted a different (and lower) standard for what qualifies as your best work.  We need to avoid that temptation too.

Values are not Aspirations

Each time I teach an Ethics course at a local tech college, I assign a case study on values.

Specifically, students need to identify his or her top 5 values and explain why those are values.

The kicker is the student also needs to provide evidence as to why a value is actually a value.

If there's no evidence of a value, it's not a value.  You can call it an aspiration or a goal or a challenge, but you can't call it a value.

For instance, you'll hear folks say something like "I really value generosity" or "I value learning" or "I value challenging work".  But if there's no evidence of generosity or learning or challenging work in this person's life, then this is not a value.

That person may want to value that value or set a goal to attain that value, and that's all fine and good, but then say it.

Your values are what you value.  Right now.

Some Good Marriage Advice

You can find it here

Knowledge Puffs Up

Classic post from Don Miller

Let the Children Come

Another organization we volunteer with recently informed me that kids could no longer volunteer there.

I was disappointed.  Very disappointed.  We've volunteered for years with this organization and the event we did with them was a highlight, especially for the kids who got to volunteer.

And yet I understand the rationale.  The reasons for the policy are smart, rational, and in the organization's best interests.

We need more volunteer opportunities for children.  It is as simple as that.

And while I understand non-profits having age limits or policies not permitting kids to volunteer at all, I also see the irony in that these same non-profits (some, not all) often struggle with finding volunteers or donors or both.

In the interest of safety and keeping legal happy (not to mention insurance companies), we say kids have to be old enough to work a part-time job in order to serve or we say they can't serve at all.

Fair enough.

But as the kids get older, they will find themselves in a position to donate time or resources to these non-profits.

You know who has the best chance of getting these now grown kids' time and resources?  The ones who let them have an impact as a child.

Your Life as a Movie

Our small group has been working through this material and really enjoying it.  In our last meeting, we were asked to consider giving our life "a theme".

So if your life was a movie, what would be put on the poster?

Or, if your life was a book, what would the caption or title be?

Too often, I think, we settle into accepting our themes as our roles.  I'm a husband or wife, I'm a mother or a father, I'm a banker or teacher or nurse or firefighter or doctor or pastor, so we see our life's theme through the lens of our role(s).

While role(s) are important- and we get to their importance later in the curriculum- the theme is also important.

So, what say you?  What's the theme of your life thus far?

Motivated or Paralyzed?

Very early in my work in ministry, a parent of a student in my youth group told me "and well, we both know you're not very good at that."

The parent said it jokingly, but in the way where the joke was meant to convey the real truth.

I jokingly agreed, but in the way to defuse some tension and not confront the hurt the comment caused me.

Because the thing the parent said I wasn't good at, I actually thought I was good at.

This isn't a 'woe is me' post.  Not looking for sympathy.  It is a 'what do you with that feedback' kind of post.

My initial reaction was hurt.  I was wounded.  The comments stung, my pride was attacked, and the quality of my work (and let's not kid ourselves, I wrap my ego into my work like most people) showed cracks, at least in this person's opinion.

You usually have several options when you get feedback such as this:

• Refuse to accept any of it- we usually do this when we don't trust the source of the feedback.  In this story, I could have easily done this, because I didn't have a lot of trust in this source.  Doing this, though, prevents any learning from happening.
• Become paralyzed by it- we're tempted to do this if we too have the same doubts, so we say things like "I do stink at that" or "you're right, and I am a horrible person because I stink at it".  This isn't helpful either.  You may in fact stink at it because you have a lack of experience in this area (in which case you simply need more experience) or you actually do stink at it (in which case you may need to delegate that task or surround yourself with people who excel at that).
• Become motivated by it- I was taken aback by the comment but sifted through them and found some truth there.  I knew I had the capability to be good at the area where the parent said I wasn't, but I needed to devote some energy into it.  \

Talent is good, but all of the talent in the world won't matter if you don't put some work into it.

What You Won't Find On A New Year's Resolution List

No one actually has the goal of "watching more TV".

None of us intentionally sit down and think, you know, this year, I need to watch more TV.  Catch up on some shows, maybe start a couple of new ones.

And yet I know I can be guilty of living my life like that.  Football games, baseball playoffs, new shows, reruns of old shows, shows online, shows to watch for the sole purpose of feeling connected to "what everyone else seems to be watching".

My kids will sometime whine at the end of particularly busy (though activity-filled and enriching) day with the complaint 'but we didn't get to watch any shows'.

My response is something along the lines of "my goal in life isn't to give you more time to watch shows".

What could we do/become/create if we watched less TV?

For Men Only

6 dudes . . .  at 6 AM on Fridays. . . discussing this book . . . gonna be good!

There are Good People . . .

and then there are really good people.  My cousin's family definitely falls into the latter.  Check out their blog here.

Parental Wisdom

Some wisdom for parents out there, courtesy of my brother-in-law.

Losing

With 2 kids in football and 2 kids in soccer, we've been to lots of games this fall.  And for whatever reason, the teams- all of them- have lost.  A lot!  Even in the games where score isn't 'kept', anyone with half a mind could still 'tell' the outcome (and while score may not officially be kept, everyone- kids, parents, coaches- IS keeping score!).  Winning is fun.  Losing is not fun.  Typing those words seems almost too simplistic, and yet they are true.  As much as we try to de-emphasize winning and making sure everyone has fun, the truth is, most people have more fun when they are winning (even my notoriously non-competitive wife has the rule that we can't stop playing Uno until she wins a hand!).

That being said, there are some benefits to losing:

• Losses reveal areas of improvement- no team wins every game, and when a team loses a game, it shows you where you need to make improvements.  If you never had the feedback of a loss, you might be tempted to never improve.
• Losses reveal your darksides- maybe it's just my darksides(!), but when I am losing, I begin to question the other team's motives, I argue with officials, I challenge calls.  I am much less likely to do these things when I am winning, so when I am losing, I come face to face with the less-desirable parts of my personality.
•  Losses make you appreciate the wins- doesn't matter if youth sports, professional sports, grades in school, elections, whatever the contest- when you've lost at it, it makes you appreciate the wins all the more.

Safe Families as an Alternative to Foster Care

Next month, Hillcrest is going to be exploring the feasibility of starting a Safe Families ministry- a couple of other churches have already started one and with good results.  You can learn more about Safe Families by clicking on this link but essentially, Safe Families looks to provide short term housing to children of under-resourced families.  These are children who don't need foster care (i.e. their parents aren't in prison, the children haven't been abused, etc) but who would otherwise end up in foster care without a Safe Family.  Perhaps a parent is jobless and now homeless or a parent might be entering treatment- situations where temporarily staying with a Safe Family is preferable to the wheels of the foster care system.

I am not sure what this will look like at Hillcrest but it is an interesting ministry concept.

An Opportunity for Churches

Since a local TV station ran a story on Hillcrest and our focus on adoptions, we've received several calls and inquiries as to whether our program is available for people outside of our church.  Sadly, we've explained that our program is currently for Hillcresters (and to this point, we've had no shortage of Hillcrest families needing assistance).

The stories we hear, though, are very real and often times painful.  Families who can not have kids starting an international adoption.  Families who can not have kids after trying everything looking at domestic adoption.  Families who have everything lined up and simply need some assistance with the legal paperwork of an adoption.

If there's one thing we've learned about adoptions, it is that they are expensive.  This post isn't to debate why they are so expensive, only to highlight that they are.  Families struggle the most with the costs associated with the adoption process, and those high costs present an amazing opportunity for churches looking to 'defend the cause of the orphan'.

When To End a Mentoring Relationship

This is the first school year in several years that I haven't been in a school-based mentoring relationship.

And it was I who decided not to mentor this year.

I have mentored two students over the past few years.  Both started at elementary school and continued to middle school.  Both, not surprisingly, began to fizzle in later middle school when we were forced to talk in the middle school library as opposed to being able to shoot hoops or play games at elementary school.  But as tough as it was, I stuck it out.  Mostly, because I was convinced the student 'needed' it.  That if I quit, I'd be just another adult who quit on the student.  And, if I am honest, I felt guilty, and my fear of failure and quitting kept me going.

But not this year.

So, why did I stop this year?  And when might you need to make a change in a mentoring relationship?

• When your 'life stage' changes- when I started mentoring, I didn't have any kids in school.  Now, all four of mine are at the same school.  My wife and I commit to volunteering an hour in their various classrooms each week.  So while I am not mentoring, I am getting to help Eyob with math and Esther with writing.  So, mentoring takes on a different form.
• When guilt is your only motivator- I understand- probably more than most- that working with kids (and especially tweens and teens) is difficult work.  The academics will tell you that while students will say to your face they don't want you (as a mentor, as a parent, as a coach, etc), that deep down inside, they do.  While that's all fine and good, if you hear that as a mentor, you begin to question the investment you're making.  Soon, guilt is the only reason you're showing up.  While there are times you need to stick it out, if guilt is the only reason you're showing up, get out.
• When there's a mismatch- look, we like to pretend that any adult can have an impact on any kid, but really, the more the kid and adult have in common, the better. 

I am sure there are other reasons to stop a mentoring relationship- what others might you add?

Where Your Kids Attend School

Interesting take on the topic here.

Bonus- my high school tennis doubles partner sends his daughters to the same school.

When a Gift is not a Gift

Interesting insight from Seth Godin on gift cards . . . if you can call them that!

Good Reminder for Parents

You can find it here

Storyline and God's Will for Your Life

One of the more frequent questions I get asked as a pastor centers on God's will for a person's life.  To be more specific, the questions usually relate to family, friends, and careers/jobs.  What does God want for these essential parts of our lives?  There tends to be two ways to look at these types of questions.  The first is from a determined perspective, where God has a specific person for you to marry, a specific number of children for you to have, and a specific job and company and position you are to have and it's up to you to decipher the 'closed doors' and 'open windows' to get to these specifics.

If that's your perspective, this blog post may not be for you!

The second is a free will perspective, where God gives people choices on these matters, where there is no right answer, and yet God leads through you and in you to the choices that best suit you.  There's more tools available than ever to help you determine God's plan for your life, and one we recently began working through with our small group is Storyline.  Storyline looks at your life like a character in a movie.  It's written in user-friendly terms.  It's considers your life's ups and downs, your abilities and roles, and aims to conduct your storyline- how God has wired you- to make a difference in God's world.  You can do Storyline on your own, in a group, or with a life coach and it's really inexpensive ($30) for the material you are getting.

Storyline is similar to another program I did a few years ago and that our church also offers and is also good.

The key- both focus on your past and how God has wired you as keys to discovering what God wants you to be/do.

One Good Shot

Been reading a book called The Energy Bus on the recommendation of a friend and noticed an interesting takeaway.  The book is a fictional story designed to impart truths or the learning.  In the midst of the story, the main character is challenged to review each day like a golf game.  At the end of a golf game, you remember and talk about your good shots (or so I am told, as I am an epic failure at golf!).  Even if you had a terrible round, you'll remember the sweet drive you hit on #3 or the long putt you made on #7.  It's what keeps golfers coming back.  If all you did was reflect on the negative shots, why even bother dropping serious coin to relive that experience?

But the author says that's exactly what we do with our days- our interactions at work, our interactions with our family, etc.  We reflect on the negatives and the missed opportunities rather than remembering the successes and the good moments.

What if we remembered the good shots of our day and focused on getting more of those?

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

Hillcrest gave away free gas last month- you can read the article here.

What's even more interesting than the article, though, is the comments from some who questioned the giveaway, had better ideas on what to do with the money, etc.

Haters gonna hate.

KELO Piece on Hillcrest

KELO did a piece on Hillcrest's adoption program.

Malcolm Gladwell and David and Goliath

In advance of his new book by the same name, Malcolm Gladwell provides some interesting perspective on the well-known Biblical story of David and Goliath.

The Price of Privilege

Really good parenting book here.

Some takeaways:

• Parents who persistently fall on the side of intervening for their child, as opposed to supporting their child’s attempt to problem-solve, interfere with the most important task of childhood and adolescence: the development of a sense of self. 
• We can be overinvolved in the wrong things, and underinvolved in the right things, both at the same time.
• Research and common sense tell us that anxious parents make anxious children.  Children take their cues from their parents. 
• It is when a parent’s love is experienced as conditional on achievement that children are at risk for serious emotional problems.
• Once a child forms a negative impression of himself, it is very difficult to change.
• We should never, ever, allow our kids to buy their way out of trouble.  When we mitigate natural consequences for our kids we deprive them of one of life’s most important lessons: that we are held accountable for our actions.
• Praise does not make us a warm parent
• Is the voice that runs commentary on your day a harsh and critical one, or does it treat you kindly?  This is the same voice that our children hear every day of their lives.

I Could Do Better

How many times are you guilty of thinking "I could do better?".

At your son's sport practice, you see the coach and think to yourself, "I could do better".

At your daughter's girl scout meeting, you see the volunteer and think to yourself, "I could do better".

At work, you witness your boss/manager/team leader and you think to yourself, "I could do better".

At your child's school, you see your child's classroom and schoolwork and think to yourself, "I could do better".

If you could do better, why aren't you?

Otherwise, it's probably best to apply that energy elsewhere in activities you are already doing.